19 May 2016

Who The Hell Are The Hunna And Are They Going To Enslave Humanity?

The world is a scary, scary place. A scary, scary, scary place. There are lots of unexplained things out there, and in this piece, this exposé, I'm going to put across another one of these phenomenons. We're all aware of the conspiracies surrounding 9/11, of the ulterior motifs of World War 1, and Denver Airport, some things that kinda have some explanation but not really. But ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a marvel and a mystery that's much more confusing, baffling, and universally unexplainable than all of those things combined. I present you the mystery of The Hunna.

I hear ya ask; what is The Hunna? Is it a cult? An army? An organisation? No. The Hunna is an artist. The Hunna is a collective of musicians. The Hunna have sold out a massive UK tour, despite the fact that no one has ever met a fan of theirs. The Hunna have 130,000 Facebook likes [225,000 as of August 1st], about three songs out, and everything about their existence makes no sense.

Firstly, their music. You can find this online by searching for The Hunna on any search engine of your choosing. I chose Google. They've got a few songs, and well, they all sound really, really plain. Take this one, with it's kinda anti-climatic /big chorus/, generic vocals, and guitar tones ripped straight off a Razorlight record, it's not ATROCIOUS, but it's exceptionally banal, y'know. It's the least exceptional thing I've ever heard.

But WHAT IS GOING ON? There are two options, in my authoritative eyes. They could either be a death cult, disguised as a band, or they could be the puppets of a big corporation that want to break a faceless four-piece of white indie males (the latter worked for Catfish & the Bottlemen. No, seriously, that's an objective statement). There are arguments to support both these theories, so I'll state them, and then let you make your mind up.

Quite often, big record labels with big budgets try and break a band purely through their huge financial drive. This, in the case of The Hunna, could explain why you can't go on Facebook without an advert that says "like Arctic Monkeys? The Hunna are for you!" Arguably, it could explain why they've gathered more social media likes than potential festival headliners like Mystery Jets, Slaves and Everything Everything in JUST OVER SIX MONTHS of existing. And why their PR emails come from the company that do the PR for Eric Clapton, AC/DC and Bruce Springsteen. And it kinda mirrors the way that David Bowie drew an American crowd as Ziggy that wasn't there to begin with, just by his management acting as though he was a really big deal. But David Bowie was a really big deal. The Hunna are just Razorlight & the Bottlemen, but despite the fact no one seems to know of their existence, they're selling out big venues and all that jazz.

But is something sinister at work? After all, they have a very sinister, culty name for a band that make upbeat indie music. I think it might just be a cover up. Their Facebook lists their names as "VALENTINO, BANDANA-DAN, IK, THE PRINCE," and I'm so sorry, but those are just facades, part of their front, to convince us all that they're not reptilian shapeshifters coming from out of space to take over the world, one landfill indie song at a time. Maybe no one's ever met a fan of theirs, because once you've liked their Facebook page, their cult HQ, your existence as a free thinking being is terminated and you join them. And worst of all, in Facebook posts, they refer to their fans as H-squad, which sounds very, very culty, doesn't it?

Call me old fashioned, but for me, something appearing out of nowhere and gaining this kinda following mysteriously arouses my suspicions in the same way that towers falling down kinda oddly does. Be it Warner Brothers' endless attempts to cash in through sanitising art, or a wider alien conspiracy about reptilian shapeshifters weaponising landfill indie to take over the human race, that's your call. But I think an illuminati-like New World Order from space using indie rock records in a sinister, mind controlling way is something that is in place AND stretches back years. After all, how else would you explain Razorlight's self-titled going 5x Platinum in the UK?


Words: Calum Cashin